Molly's BDSM Tips | How to Negotiate a BDSM Contract

This week, our BDSM agony aunt Molly returns with some top tips for one FET member wanting to know the ins and outs of how to negotiate a BDSM contract. Read on for more!

Dear Molly,
My partner and I have been exploring a D/s relationship for about a year, and while it started as just a bedroom thing, our D/s dynamic has extended more into our daily life. We've recently explored having a BDSM contract, but we're unsure where to start and what it should look like. Does my Dom write down what they want, and we sign it, or is it more complex than that?
Miss Sign.

Dear Miss Sign,
BDSM contracts are popular within the kink community, especially for those in Dom/sub and Master/slave relationships. They can help heighten the aspect of power exchange within a BDSM relationship with both parties inputting and communicating what they want and how they see it working. It's a powerful way to strengthen and affirm your D/s commitment to one another.  Here are some suggestions of what you might want to include.
 

1. General intentions

Think of this as an introduction to your BDSM contract, which acts as a statement of intent that puts the rest of the agreement into the context of your relationship and commitments. You can agree on something that represents you both - or you can write your own individually.
 

2. Timings and dates

Writing a BDSM contract for just a weekend or a holiday is possible, and setting exact times when the BDSM contract is operational or not. For example, if you don't live together but spend time every other weekend, you might state that the contract is for those weekends. Even if you're together long-term and want something more open-ended, you should still set a clear plan for when you review the contract. 
 

3. The submissive's role

As with any BDSM contract, you make this as detailed or not as you like. You might go for a general statement about expected behavior and what areas of life this will extend into, or you may prefer a more detailed description of how you'll submit to your partner. Also, don't forget to include general things like loving and respecting your partner, committing to this journey with them, and acknowledging their needs.
 

4. The Dominant's role

Some people believe the Dom/me writes a BDSM contract that details the expectations of the sub, and that's the end of it, but it's not wise. Why? Because it implies the sub is the only party who has to make commitments when it's plainly not true. A BDSM contract is a joint document and should clarify that the Dominant plays as much of a role as the sub.

Again, what you include depends on what you negotiate, but it may be as simple as the Dominant promises to love and care for the submissive partner and look out for their health and wellbeing. 
 

5. BDSM limits

As you've started exploring a D/s relationship, you both may have some idea about your hard BDSM limits, which are the things you'd never want to do. Having a section where those are listed is a good idea, acknowledging that both parties can add items to this list, and communicating any changes.

You might also want to look for a BDSM spreadsheet, which you can find online or make your own. List all the kinky things you can think of and spend time indicating if you've done them, like them, hate them, or want to try them, etc. You can reference these in this part of the contract or as an accompanying document.


A BDSM contract should be a bonding process 
 

6. Titles and rituals

Does your Dom/me want to be called Sir or Daddy or Madam? You may also have specific names or ways of being referred to that you like or desire. You could also include any agreements on when they may or may not be used and in what scenario—for example, no expectation of using titles or rituals in front of family members.

Rituals might be things like wearing a collar or a particular piece of jewelry or clothing to indicate your commitment. It might also be things like waiting for permission to get into bed at night, greeting your partner in a certain way, or having a daily mantra to perform.

Include safe word agreements in this section or have a separate clause.
 

7. Check-in and reviews

Consider setting clear intentions when discussing your BDSM contract, your relationship, and how it's progressing. You might want to keep a journal to refer back to and perhaps, at first, set aside time each month to discuss your D/s dynamic openly. You also might want to include how and when to modify the contract and the intention to review it regularly. If you're in a long-term relationship, that might be a yearly thing.

8. Ending your BDSM contract

Yes, we all like to think our relationship will last forever, but the reality is that we can't know that. Setting out an agreement for how both parties would handle ending the BDSM contract means if the worst happens, there's a pathway to make it easier for everyone involved.
 

9. Make it fluid

Some criticism of BDSM contracts is that they're too static and unrealistic because of the nature of human relationships. Having space for your contract to change and evolve with you is therefore essential, and understanding that this is a living agreement and open to change will help to make it a positive part of your D/s life together.
 

10. BDSM contracts are not legal

I've heard ridiculous claims that people will sue their submissive for breach of the BDSM contract. They can't because they have no basis in law; quite frankly, neither would you want them to. Negotiating a BDSM contract should be a bonding process that helps you evolve your relationship together.
Good luck!
Molly x

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