Reconciling BDSM and Religion

On the surface of things, the fetish lifestyle/BDSM and religion wouldn't appear to go hand in hand. So how do you reconcile sex and religion? Writer Zoë Tersche posed this question to Alex, a New York-based Jewish man who has a soft – or should that be hard – spot for spanking.

How do you reconcile sex and religion? Lots of kinky people are religious, but do moral values ever interfere with sexual practice? Alex is a chef in his late 20s who identifies with Judaism at a secular level. While dating within the Jewish community on the west coast of the US, he sometimes encounters partners with common religious footing, but whose culture and background conflict with his sexual preferences. So, how does he reconcile those two parts of his life? We chatted with Alex to find out more about his feelings about mixing BDSM and religion...

Can you tell us more about how you began your involvement in BDSM?

It was about two or three years ago. I had a girlfriend. Well, not a girlfriend. A fuck buddy, I guess. And I've always been into hair pulling and spanking. So, I slapped her once. And she gave me a look of, “let's do that more,” and we kind of just figured it out from there. And then it escalated very, very quickly.

What do you mean it “escalated”? What were the next steps?

Beating her with a belt, collar and leash, treating her like a dog, blindfolding, orgasm control and denial.

Why in that succession? Did beating her with a belt come before, say, orgasm denial? Was it her who suggested those things or you?

It was a little bit of both: the spanking she asked me to do. Kind of ironically, I hit her with my hand, and it hurt me really bad, so I decided to go to a belt. [Laughs] I tried it once!

So, that was it for the spanking?

Yes. The next girl that I was in a relationship with had never experienced it, and I kinda said, “Hey, this is what gets me going.” So I hit her with the belt once, and she was almost embarrassed by how much she was into it.

BDSM and religion - do they go together?

So, you're very involved in BDSM, but you also have this side of you that's connected to Judaism. How do you find that BDSM and religion mix?

Honestly, Judaism seems to be the one religion where sex is totally cool. It's not just for having kids, so sex and religion is not a stigma. Get off, if you do it on Saturdays, even better. I mean, I haven't told my rabbi I lock my girlfriend in a bondage cage, but my Judaism is really... I wear a yarmulke, and my tattoos are Jewish.

Not too long ago, I was dating a girl from the [greater] Jewish community who had another mindset when it came to sex and religion. Very loud, very in charge. Everything had to be a certain way. She was very in control. I think that may have been related to why in the bedroom, she didn't want to lose that control.

On your first night together, did you feel the urge to do something more aggressive with her?

Oh yeah, absolutely. And then I attempted to, and she made it very clear that that wasn't going to fly. She was going through conversion, so she took Judaism way, way, strong, ate Kosher and all that. She runs a Jewish group here, goes to temple every Friday.

I'm pretty open about my sexuality and told her about all the stuff I'm into. I was surprised when we finally had sex. She wouldn't let me go down on her, but I took the lead as much as I could. I ***d her, and she freaked out. I gave her a little spank on the butt (she had the greatest ass I've ever seen in my life), and she stopped everything and was like, “that's not okay.”

We eventually broke up after only having sex three times. I remember telling her, “Honestly, I don't mean to be shallow, but I'm not enjoying sex with you. You want me to light candles and run a bath, and I want to tie you up and beat you.” She definitely didn't have that high of a sex drive and for her BDSM and religion did not reconcile.

What made you feel comfortable doing that with her your first time?

The first time that we met, I made it very clear that that's what I was into. I wasn't just like, choking her from the get-go. I slowly went for her neck.

And she welcomed that?

No, she pushed my hand away and was like, “No, no.” I was fucking her doggy style, and I slapped her ass, and she was like, “that's not okay.”

Did you attempt again the next two times [you had sex]?

No. That's when I told her I wasn't enjoying sex with her. Which is a shallow thing, but sex is an integral part of a relationship. We definitely clicked in a lot of other ways. There were just too many little things, and it didn't seem worthwhile.

Zoë Tersche is a New York-based writer focusing on fetish sexuality and the freedom of sexual expression.