What exactly is kink?


The kinky sex spectrum is vast and diverse. When you think of getting kinky, what comes to mind? Is it ropes and chains and pain? Maybe you think of anal sex or canings. Too scary? Okay, maybe getting spanked while calling your partner, “Daddy” seems pretty kinky. Or it’s pulling out the vibrator and holding it on your clit while you get fucked.
What’s the point?
My point is this - kinky sex falls on a broad spectrum, and one person’s kink is another person’s vanilla.

What Does it Mean to Be Vanilla?


The most common definition I see for “vanilla” is having “typical” sex - think missionary position. For the record, if you enjoy sex in missionary position, and you go back for more as often as you can, good for you! Some people use vanilla in a negative way. For me, I call anything that’s not kinky, “vanilla” - and that includes my life outside of BDSM: work, kids, home, you name it. It’s all vanilla to me.
Being vanilla isn’t a bad thing. Being kinky doesn’t make your life perfect. It’s all a spectrum, and there are no absolutes. To me, even the kinkiest sex act could become your vanilla if you do it often enough and it’s part of your routine, even if an outsider would classify it as a kink. Being kinky means pushing boundaries, going outside of the typical, and trying things you may have once considered too dirty or off limits. At the same time, kink may give you a feeling of being adventurous - I know it does for me.

New to the Kinky Sex Spectrum?


I promise you, if you’re the type who enjoys experimenting with sex, within a few months of trying something new - ballgags, threesomes, forced orgasms - you won’t consider it nearly as kinky as you do the first time you try it. With a good partner who gains your total trust, certain things that were off limits in the beginning may be up for discussion and consideration later.
kinky sex spectrumYour perspective will shift as you become accustomed to different sex acts, toys, and positions. Hopefully, you’ll discard the stuff you don’t enjoy, embrace the stuff you do, and keep experimenting. When the day comes that you wonder what the big deal is when someone confesses in hushed tones that they were spanked and they liked it, you’ll know you’re fully entrenched in kinky sex.
No, I’m not talking about embracing the full BDSM lifestyle or turning your relationship into a 24/7, D/s relationship. You can do that if you want. Word to the wise: I probably have more “vanilla” sex than kinky sex in my 24/7, D/s relationship but that could be because I don’t consider certain things kinky anymore. Pulling my hair, smacking my ass, and calling me a slut during sex is normal for us. When he ties me down, forces orgasms or worse, edges me and denies the orgasm, then fucks me roughly and slaps my face that’s when I really feel like we’re getting kinky.

Your Kink Isn’t My Kink, But Your Kink Is Okay


Because the idea of getting kinky is a spectrum of behavior and not an absolute, it’s worth discussing kink-shaming. Here’s my take - if everyone involved is able and willing to give legal consent, then whatever they do is fine with me. I’m not into golden showers, scat, or blood play. Frankly, it squicks me out a bit. But that doesn’t mean I think less of someone because they enjoy it.
The opposite is true, too. If someone feels completely kinky because they masturbated with their partner and orgasmed together, I’m not going to be the one to tell them that it’s not “really” kinky or that I do that all the time. This isn’t about me and how I view a particular sexual act, it’s about the people involved. They did something they considered out of the norm, and possibly dirty and erotic, and called it kink. Fine by me.

Getting Kinky Without Calling it BDSM- The kinky sex spectrum doesn't need any labels.


Those of us who enjoy some part of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, or masochism and wilfully and joyfully acknowledge our BDSM lifestyle or (at the very least) interest are one type of kinkster. Then there are those who tie up their partners, spank bottoms, and take control - or are on the receiving end - who don’t care about or follow BDSM. They’re not interested in labels and may not even consider themselves part of the kinky sex spectrum.
For those people who think everything and everyone should have label, breathe into a paper bag on this one. It’s okay that people have fetishes and kinks and don’t subscribe to the BDSM lifestyle. Do I think they could get something out of it or add something to the community if they joined in? Of course, I do - the community needs all kinds of perspectives. Should they be made to feel guilty because they’re not interested? Never.

Here’s what really matters in this broad kinky sex spectrum:


Consent of all parties involved, pleasure, fulfilment, and zero judgement. When you hear someone comment with wide eyes and a bit of pearl clutching about having rough sex and getting kinky, remember that their kink might be your vanilla, and there’s no one right way to get your kink on.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life. Follow her on her website or on Twitter @Kaylalords.
© Oleksii Shulzhenko / Dollar Photo Club and Stephanie Lawton via Flickr with CC BY 2.0 license

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[…] know me and kink, so talking about it over at Fetish.com is fun. My Vanilla is Your Kink is probably just the beginning of a bigger conversation, but you have to start […]

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