When it comes to sex and relationships, there’s little that’s scarier than thinking your partner will reject you. You’re emotionally invested and want to make it work. It can feel like any small oddity or quirky behavior could spell the end. We’re talking about how you jiggle door handles or the way you nibble candy like a hamster (okay, maybe that’s just me). Realizing you’re kinky with a vanilla partner can seem catastrophic. Kayla Lords looks at the question:

 

Will they freak out or kink out?

Will they think you’re a freak? Will they hate you? Will they back away in disgust and never speak to you again? Will this wonderful relationship end in ruin, and you’ll be all alone?

Most of the time, your partner will do none of those things, especially if you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s time to back away from the edge and realize that being kinky with a vanilla partner isn’t the end of the world. You may find some sexy and kinky common ground.

 

Share your kinky fantasies

When I first figured out I was kinky, I felt different from the ‘vanilla me’. I worried and assumed that people could tell I was different like there was a stamp on my forehead. I walked around on eggshells hoping my kink didn’t show. You might feel the same way, too, and if you’re unsure how your partner will handle it, it can be even more nerve-wracking.

You don’t have to blurt out -

“I’m a kinky fucker who wants to be spanked until I cry, bound in plastic wrap, and edged!”

I mean, you can, but it’s not a requirement. Instead, start small with a single kinky fantasy. If you’ve gotten a hint that your partner might be interested in some level of kink - like spankings or handcuffs or a bit of power - share a fantasy you think they might like. See how they handle that revelation. If they don’t run screaming from the room (and I’m fairly certain they won’t), share the next fantasy.

communication
Chat with your partner about it. It might not be as scary as you think!

Explain what you mean by 'kinky'

Telling a partner you’re “kinky” leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Depending on what they believe kink to be, they might get a picture in their head that’s wildly different than what you actually want. It’s best to be straightforward and have the “I’m kinky and this is what I like” conversation.

Are you sexually submissive who wants a partner to control your orgasms and have their way with you? Would you like to tie up a willing partner and do sexy, fun things to them? What does “kinky” mean to you? That’s where you can start the conversation. To a vanilla partner, I might say, “I’m a submissive woman who likes a partner to take control in the bedroom. I also enjoy some impact play and pain.” Once that’s out, then we can talk about what it means.

 

Start slow and keep talking

Your partner might hear “submissive”, “Dominant” or “bondage” and think you’re ready to start a BDSM scene right away. Make it clear to your partner that, assuming they’re interested, you can move as slow as needed until everyone is comfortable. It’s equally possible your vanilla partner is secretly kinky and might be ready to jump into the deep-end. You still need to go slow.

Make sure both of you understand what the other is interested in. For a genuinely vanilla partner, they may need to learn about certain kinks or how to do them. They will need time to process what you’ve told them and decide how they feel about it.  Be prepared for questions. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Share the resources you use to understand your kinks and what it all means to you. Help them learn but don’t pressure them to make a decision.

adult film
Watch a kinky film together if you're at a loss for words.

Focus on the fun

If your partner is curious and interested in exploring kink, focus on the fun. BDSM, specifically, can be serious business with it’s necessary focus on safety and consent. Yes, you and your partner need to keep those things in mind. But don’t forget to focus on the fun you can have! Trying a new position, adding some light bondage to your sexual pleasure, playing with orgasms and sex in a new way is a lot of fun for people who enjoy it.

Think of everything as an experiment. Yes, you want things to go well, but part of the enjoyment is in the journey. Maybe forced orgasms aren’t your thing, but having your partner spend so much time on your pleasure feels good. Maybe the only pain you can handle is pulled hair or light smacks on the bottom. Focus on pleasure and you may find your vanilla partner enjoys more kink than you originally thought.

“When a relationship is good and you care about the person, you want everything to be “perfect.” Anything that threatens your idea of perfection feels scary and out of control. Which is why you worry about confessing your kinky side to a vanilla partner. There are no guarantees that your kinks will be embraced, that your every fantasy will come true, and you’ll live the kinky happily-ever-after of your dreams.”

If you remember that this is new to your partner, go slow, and find any kinks you might both enjoy, talking to your vanilla partner doesn’t have to be stressful. Healthy relationships can be as kinky or as vanilla as the people involved want. What matters most is both partners get what they need and are able to communicate openly with each other.

 

Got your own stories of coming out kinky to a vanilla partner? Share your tips and experience on the forum! If you’re clueless on where to start and need some advice there’s nowhere better to find answers than with your kink community.

Images from Erika Lust


YOU MAY ALSO LIKE

0 comments

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoticons maximum are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.



There are no comments to display.

BDSM Magazine

Similar discussions