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Demi-sexual, gender non-conforming, independent, dominant woman in her 40s. i like kind, emotionally mature, trustworthy, respectful people who are creative, funny and intellectually stimulating.
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hmmmm…. well if this was the world of Harry Potter I’d use the “pentrificus totalus” spell and have my way with someone of my choosing.
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Demi-sexual, gender non-conforming, independent, dominant woman in her 40s. i like kind, emotionally mature, trustworthy, respectful people who are creative, funny and intellectually stimulating.
New to D/s - looking for suggestions
Hello all. This is my first post on this site, and I’m hoping to get some friendly suggestions as my partner and I are having some challenges at the moment.
First, some background:
My partner and I were acquaintances for a few years before we realized we had feelings for each other. He told me Read more…early on that he was submissive and caught dominant vibes from me which, until that moment, I had not realized this myself, though I definitely agree. Before now, neither of us had been in a full-time D/s relationship. And it is long distance, so our physical time together is limited.
We recently argued about what it means to be dominant. He tells me that what he wants doesn’t matter, only what I want. But sometimes I want to hear him ask, to tell me what he wants. To me, my dominance in that situation is what I do (or do not) with the information provided. But he says it’s a turn off. “You shouldn’t ask my what I want” doesn’t feel submissive to me. It feels like he has an idea (and has had years longer to think about it) of what he wants in a mistress, and isn’t hearing me. And I’m still learning about what I want and how to express that, especially after having been in some very traumatic relationships previously.
We really want to make this work. It’ll still be a couple of years before we can be together full-time and would really love be some advice.
it’s hard to learn and grow into this kind of relationship when we are separated and I’m still recovering from trauma and in therapy and getting to really know myself!
Thanks for reading.
Arty
First, some background:
My partner and I were acquaintances for a few years before we realized we had feelings for each other. He told me Read more…early on that he was submissive and caught dominant vibes from me which, until that moment, I had not realized this myself, though I definitely agree. Before now, neither of us had been in a full-time D/s relationship. And it is long distance, so our physical time together is limited.
We recently argued about what it means to be dominant. He tells me that what he wants doesn’t matter, only what I want. But sometimes I want to hear him ask, to tell me what he wants. To me, my dominance in that situation is what I do (or do not) with the information provided. But he says it’s a turn off. “You shouldn’t ask my what I want” doesn’t feel submissive to me. It feels like he has an idea (and has had years longer to think about it) of what he wants in a mistress, and isn’t hearing me. And I’m still learning about what I want and how to express that, especially after having been in some very traumatic relationships previously.
We really want to make this work. It’ll still be a couple of years before we can be together full-time and would really love be some advice.
it’s hard to learn and grow into this kind of relationship when we are separated and I’m still recovering from trauma and in therapy and getting to really know myself!
Thanks for reading.
Arty
moi03xxx I feel like I should be saying "My name is moi and I'm a fantasist and a shit submissive"
Its not like I don't know what I want sexually but the sub part of me overrides all that and I'm left with this overwhelming need to please my Master. That's what gets me off and if he were to ask me during Read more… play what I wanted the only thing in my mind would be his pleasure, for him to enjoy, nothing else matters. Its not as easy to turn that off as Dom's seem to think.
Your post implies that you're trying to jump straight from slight friendship to a 24/7 D/s relationship. This would be hard enough to do at the best of times but you're also trying to do it mainly online!
@typhoon2 has the best suggestion, write lists - what you like/dislike, limits, what your curious about, toys you like or would like to try, share porn - it's not the 1st time my Master has sent me something he likes and while watching it we see something else that piques our imagination. And always experiment, 10yrs down the line and we're still finding new things to try!
Its not like I don't know what I want sexually but the sub part of me overrides all that and I'm left with this overwhelming need to please my Master. That's what gets me off and if he were to ask me during Read more… play what I wanted the only thing in my mind would be his pleasure, for him to enjoy, nothing else matters. Its not as easy to turn that off as Dom's seem to think.
Your post implies that you're trying to jump straight from slight friendship to a 24/7 D/s relationship. This would be hard enough to do at the best of times but you're also trying to do it mainly online!
@typhoon2 has the best suggestion, write lists - what you like/dislike, limits, what your curious about, toys you like or would like to try, share porn - it's not the 1st time my Master has sent me something he likes and while watching it we see something else that piques our imagination. And always experiment, 10yrs down the line and we're still finding new things to try!
Like
· 02.08.2021 9:31:34
eyemblacksheep one of the problems is some subs and slaves get caught too much in the fantasy side of things - or - struggle to communicate.
There's all this tying in knots about how.... if they ask for it then you're doing it because they want you to not because you want to - or - that again, perhaps as Read more… suggested the want to dump responsibility onto you.
What a lot of these people do not realise is they are making things HARDER for their Dominant when they are *supposed* to be making life easier.
So, this is part of the conversation you may need to have with him - that he needs to communicate. That if you do something you *think* he wants and neither of you enjoy it then you're heading down a pointless road.
Subs need to understand this is labour, this is creating more work for the Dominant as they have to guess what they want or coax information out. If he cannot communicate likes, dislikes, limits, suggestions, stuff he'd like to explore, or try - then this isn't going to work
you can assert your Dominance by saying whatever he requests YOU will have the final word YOU will decide if he can do it or has to earn it. YOU get to say what goes ! But he needs to give you at least a frame work
There's all this tying in knots about how.... if they ask for it then you're doing it because they want you to not because you want to - or - that again, perhaps as Read more… suggested the want to dump responsibility onto you.
What a lot of these people do not realise is they are making things HARDER for their Dominant when they are *supposed* to be making life easier.
So, this is part of the conversation you may need to have with him - that he needs to communicate. That if you do something you *think* he wants and neither of you enjoy it then you're heading down a pointless road.
Subs need to understand this is labour, this is creating more work for the Dominant as they have to guess what they want or coax information out. If he cannot communicate likes, dislikes, limits, suggestions, stuff he'd like to explore, or try - then this isn't going to work
you can assert your Dominance by saying whatever he requests YOU will have the final word YOU will decide if he can do it or has to earn it. YOU get to say what goes ! But he needs to give you at least a frame work
Like
· 02.08.2021 1:29:31
MartynMentor Hello Arty, I'm a fellow Dom of over 35yrs experience and I completely hear you. I've been in your 'shoes', many a time. As I'm guessing you don't possess 'mind reading' super powers this is how I get past this situation. Firstly your the Dom, you call the shots ALWAYS within 's/D time'. I ensure Read more… regular 'check in's' giving my sub a space to give me honest feedback of how she (he in your case) feels about our relationship. I make it 'non optional' but to ensure the maximum quality and honest feed back I time it directly after a physical session and towards the conclusion of aftercare. I always make it alot more pallet-able but dolling out a list of punishment's that the sub will be given in the near future for what ever reasons I give. It is very important to remember, in my experience anyway the power over a sub is a gift that as a Dom need to act as your entitlement, mental control over your sub is key. So calling the check-in ANYTHING but check in is advisable. I have hundreds of suggestions of tasks he can preform to keep the long distance Domination alive eg have him go to supermarket and 20 medium to large fingers of fresh ginger. Don't tell him why, always insist of photographic proof of everything he's told to do. Later have him peel one finger and insert anally. It will burn soft tissue of rectum intensely without causing physical damage for about 45mins to an hour and a half. A great task for when you know they have company whom are unaware of his submissive tendencies. Allow removal after an hour or so. Then ten minutes later and out of the blue make him do it again !! When disaplinnary actions are given I find an explanation of the reasons for punishment, an admission by them of their guilt and acception of what ever actions you feel necessary to redeem them self. After conclusion of the disaplinnary action (remotely or not) a full appolgy by him to you (acceptance by you is optional), when you do accept verbal praise and a well done having pleased you and a reminder that his soul purpose is to please and pleasure you I'd also recommend. If you wish any further advise/ pointers/ suggestions etc. I'm more than happy to give. Send me a private message on my profile so he can't read them and I'm happy than happy to share. Kindest regards MartynMentor x good luck ❤️
Like
· 02.08.2021 0:40:57
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